So, since it took me almost 8 months to finally start this blog (even though I've got an idea of it since I found out I was pregnant) I will try to arrange it chronologically. I don't wanna miss anything from this life changing event, I bet there's a bunch I have forgotten by now anyways. By the way, they say pregnancy makes you retarded. Oh boy, I should admit it's so true. Thank God I have a good memory in general. But still after 7 months it's not easy to concentrate or to keep something in mind for long. I catch myself at leaving stuff half way done and not even realizing it until later when I find traces of my neglect all over the house. But first things first.
Neither me nor my man planned on having a baby anytime soon. I thought we always were pretty careful, especially since I didn't take any birth control. The reason for that is that I did have health issues, but even more than that I was terrified by gaining weight since I am always trying to stay on the healthy side maintaining my regular weight at 110 lbs ( I am 5'3 if anything). My periods were never precisely regular to the point when they would start the same day each month. There was always a shift since my cycle is kind of short, somewhere around 23-24 days. But I always trusted my boyfriend and for some reason was absolutely sure this will not happen to me, at least not now (guess most women do that mistake of false assumption). Another reason why it took me a while to finally do the test was the fact that I had all the symptoms of my regular PMS like cramping, sensitive breasts and fatigue. Well, now I know that these symptoms are typical characteristics of early pregnancy as well as of upcoming periods. It took me two weeks to eventually get the test. It's also worth mentioning that this was all happening around Christmas and New Year time, so obviously I was too busy to care about my body and my feelings. Yes, I was drinking, celebrating and working much on top of that. So when my boyfriend eventually brought me the test it was already January, 6. It was Christmas Eve for orthodox christians and I had a dinner at my place with closest friends and family. It was a very pleasant evening in general. Of course, I didn't expect it to be over like that. By the time everyone left and M got home from work it was almost midnight. Time to make that final piss and put an end to my doubts and suspicions. M was absolutely sure the test would be negative. I was pretty freaked out already and it was the second time I ever had to make this kind of test (the first time was with the same guy in summer). When it showed positive I couldn't believe my eyes. It was too shocking to be real. Plus one line that was making a plus with the other line was very fuzzy. I already started crying hysterically but we both convinced ourselves that we had to get a couple more tests to settle the confusion. I should admit M was handling it so calmly that it impressed me. I assume he should have been nervous too, but he managed to calm me down and put himself in charge of the situation. We went to CVS together and he bought two more tests (while I was pretending I am looking for something else since I was too embarrassed to make that kind of purchase). The second test I took was positive as well with the same fuzzy horizontal line. But that didn't matter anymore. It was obviously positive!
Neither me nor my man planned on having a baby anytime soon. I thought we always were pretty careful, especially since I didn't take any birth control. The reason for that is that I did have health issues, but even more than that I was terrified by gaining weight since I am always trying to stay on the healthy side maintaining my regular weight at 110 lbs ( I am 5'3 if anything). My periods were never precisely regular to the point when they would start the same day each month. There was always a shift since my cycle is kind of short, somewhere around 23-24 days. But I always trusted my boyfriend and for some reason was absolutely sure this will not happen to me, at least not now (guess most women do that mistake of false assumption). Another reason why it took me a while to finally do the test was the fact that I had all the symptoms of my regular PMS like cramping, sensitive breasts and fatigue. Well, now I know that these symptoms are typical characteristics of early pregnancy as well as of upcoming periods. It took me two weeks to eventually get the test. It's also worth mentioning that this was all happening around Christmas and New Year time, so obviously I was too busy to care about my body and my feelings. Yes, I was drinking, celebrating and working much on top of that. So when my boyfriend eventually brought me the test it was already January, 6. It was Christmas Eve for orthodox christians and I had a dinner at my place with closest friends and family. It was a very pleasant evening in general. Of course, I didn't expect it to be over like that. By the time everyone left and M got home from work it was almost midnight. Time to make that final piss and put an end to my doubts and suspicions. M was absolutely sure the test would be negative. I was pretty freaked out already and it was the second time I ever had to make this kind of test (the first time was with the same guy in summer). When it showed positive I couldn't believe my eyes. It was too shocking to be real. Plus one line that was making a plus with the other line was very fuzzy. I already started crying hysterically but we both convinced ourselves that we had to get a couple more tests to settle the confusion. I should admit M was handling it so calmly that it impressed me. I assume he should have been nervous too, but he managed to calm me down and put himself in charge of the situation. We went to CVS together and he bought two more tests (while I was pretending I am looking for something else since I was too embarrassed to make that kind of purchase). The second test I took was positive as well with the same fuzzy horizontal line. But that didn't matter anymore. It was obviously positive!
I peed on the test the next morning too just to make sure, since google said the result would be the most accurate in the morning. I was pregnant. Honestly, it was probably the worst night in my life. Even now when I think of that time I feel a wave of nausea coming up my throat. It felt back then like my whole life was over. That day I completely realized that I am an adult who is fully responsible for my actions (somehow even when I moved from Ukraine to the US at the age of 21 to start a new life it still felt more like a teenage adventure). Jokes were over. That was a harsh reality of my adult life that I was facing at that moment. I knew whatever decision I take it would change my life completely. I was mad at myself, at God, at the Universe, even at M at some point. I hated myself for being trapped in that situation. M told me he would be by my side no matter what decision I make. I am 9 years younger than him and we've been together for barely half a year, he didn't wanna force me into anything. It was very nice of him. And now when I look back to that days and think of how supportive, patient and calm he was I lose all the doubts about whether I am about to marry the right man. He is the MAN one will be very lucky to have. Well, in our case I am this lucky one. It wasn't easy for him to see me depressed and crying for two weeks straight but he was always there for me, nerves aside.
The next day after the crashing news I made an appointment with my gyno to confirm pregnancy. We went there together. I peed again, this time in a cup. When the nurse came in and said 'Congratulations, you are having a baby!' all I could squeeze out was 'Oh my God!'. The doctor seeing my confusion was telling me it was a blessing and I should be thankful for it. Yeah, a blessing. We left the office. I was lost and confused as never before. I am a religious person, not crazy, but still.
In a couple days after this I made an appointment for an abortion. I still had about 10 days to decide if that was what I really wanted. We both knew that having a baby is really expensive not even to mention all the commitment and time consumption, and a totally new life for us not just as a couple but parents. We are working everage jobs of a bar manager and a bartender. I knew no one would pay me a maternity leave as well as I knew there would be a period of time when I won't be able to work anymore. I don't have my parents here I could rely on. M's mom would help but she has a 5 day job too. Our house would be too small for 3 of us and a dog in a year when the baby would require a separate room (we live in a nice one bedroom rear house). I had savings that I was keeping to invest in my further education one day, not to spend on a child that I didn't even plan. On top of everything I was terrified by giving up my life for a while and sacrificing my body for 9 months + whatever time I might need to recover and get back into shape. Now when I think of all these reasons to kill my own child I realize how selfish and shallow I was before I became a mother with a helpless baby kicking in my belly.
Also for some reason when I was thinking of our future as a couple after I abort the baby I couldn't picture any happy continuation. I knew most likely I would hate myself so much that I wouldn't be able to look in M's eyes anymore, not to mention my own eyes. I could clearly see myself depressed, desperate and unhappy. On top of everything, how terrible would that be to kill a baby that was conceived by two truly loving people. I wasn't raped or forced into anything. I loved M so much. He loved me too, probably even more. And by the time the baby would have been born I would turn 24. My mom had me at 22. Many other girls have their first kids at 18 or even younger. I wasn't an immature teenager. I was a grown up woman who was just not ready.
The night before my appointment I was lying in a bathtub crying and being torn from the inside. I was talking to my belly saying how sorry I was and that it probably just picked wrong parents. M was checking on me but couldn't help. When I came out of bathroom I told him I couldn't kill our child. Believe it or not but he was happy. We agreed on getting married before the baby is born so that the little one starts up his life with a real family. Do I regret? No. Sometimes I am just very scared, scared to fail, scared to be a bad mother, scared not to give my child what he deserves. But we are giving him life, our love and a family. Not bad for starters. Many babies don't have even that. When I ask M if we gonna be good parents he always says, 'I know I will'. Good to know at least one of us is so sure of that.
God bless every family and every baby!
The next day after the crashing news I made an appointment with my gyno to confirm pregnancy. We went there together. I peed again, this time in a cup. When the nurse came in and said 'Congratulations, you are having a baby!' all I could squeeze out was 'Oh my God!'. The doctor seeing my confusion was telling me it was a blessing and I should be thankful for it. Yeah, a blessing. We left the office. I was lost and confused as never before. I am a religious person, not crazy, but still.
In a couple days after this I made an appointment for an abortion. I still had about 10 days to decide if that was what I really wanted. We both knew that having a baby is really expensive not even to mention all the commitment and time consumption, and a totally new life for us not just as a couple but parents. We are working everage jobs of a bar manager and a bartender. I knew no one would pay me a maternity leave as well as I knew there would be a period of time when I won't be able to work anymore. I don't have my parents here I could rely on. M's mom would help but she has a 5 day job too. Our house would be too small for 3 of us and a dog in a year when the baby would require a separate room (we live in a nice one bedroom rear house). I had savings that I was keeping to invest in my further education one day, not to spend on a child that I didn't even plan. On top of everything I was terrified by giving up my life for a while and sacrificing my body for 9 months + whatever time I might need to recover and get back into shape. Now when I think of all these reasons to kill my own child I realize how selfish and shallow I was before I became a mother with a helpless baby kicking in my belly.
Also for some reason when I was thinking of our future as a couple after I abort the baby I couldn't picture any happy continuation. I knew most likely I would hate myself so much that I wouldn't be able to look in M's eyes anymore, not to mention my own eyes. I could clearly see myself depressed, desperate and unhappy. On top of everything, how terrible would that be to kill a baby that was conceived by two truly loving people. I wasn't raped or forced into anything. I loved M so much. He loved me too, probably even more. And by the time the baby would have been born I would turn 24. My mom had me at 22. Many other girls have their first kids at 18 or even younger. I wasn't an immature teenager. I was a grown up woman who was just not ready.
The night before my appointment I was lying in a bathtub crying and being torn from the inside. I was talking to my belly saying how sorry I was and that it probably just picked wrong parents. M was checking on me but couldn't help. When I came out of bathroom I told him I couldn't kill our child. Believe it or not but he was happy. We agreed on getting married before the baby is born so that the little one starts up his life with a real family. Do I regret? No. Sometimes I am just very scared, scared to fail, scared to be a bad mother, scared not to give my child what he deserves. But we are giving him life, our love and a family. Not bad for starters. Many babies don't have even that. When I ask M if we gonna be good parents he always says, 'I know I will'. Good to know at least one of us is so sure of that.
God bless every family and every baby!